BARBIELAND (CoinChapter.com) — Sam Bankman-Fried, once a crowned crypto king, faces a new, daunting challenge atop his recent conviction: how to maintain his beautiful hair curls in prison. He will soon trade his lavish office for a ‘criminally’ uncomfortable setup behind bars. As a result, Sam’s greatest concern now has shifted from courtroom proceedings to the more pressing issue: haircare.
Sam Bankman-Fried’s Haircare Routine in Prison is Challenging
says a very famous hairstyle blogger who we cannot name because she thinks Israel’s intelligence agency is tracking her because Netanyahu thinks she looks like a Palestinian supermodel.
Yes, the prison is notorious for a lot of bad things, but ruining hairstyles tops them all. Sam Bankman-Fried knows this already.
The poor entrepreneur knows that the prison will not give him luxury shampoos, conditions, hairspray, putti, and whatnot. Man, he won’t even get a decent comb (although he may never have used one; that’s the power our dear SBF possesses).
In a nutshell, it’s not the crypto market but his hair that faces the bearish conditions of prison life.
But Wait! FTX’s FTT Token Can Save SBF’s Hair
Resourceful as ever, Sam Bankman-Fried will turn to the very creation that led him to this ‘curly crisis’ — FTX’s super-popular FTT tokens.
CoinChapter’s sources from the International Society of Nostradamus Wannabes predict that Sam Bankman-Fried will start using FTT tokens as prison money to take haircare favors. Our anonymous sources have found who’s going to be his new cellmate, as well.
He is a burly man with a surprising talent for braiding. It is no coincidence that Sam Bankman-Fried will share a bed-bunker with a hairstylist.
Maybe, his dad pulled political strings to get him one. But all and all, the burly man will become the first full-time haircare consultant paid exclusively in cryptocurrency, that too the super bullish FTT tokens.
Alameda Haircare Center: Sam Bankman-Fried’s FTT-Backed Venture
Sam Bankman-Fried will turn his personal grooming exercise into a full-fledged haircare business.
He will offer haircare tips to his fellow inmates for FTT tokens. FTT traders loved the news so much that they pumped the FTT price up by 100% recently. See it for yourself below.
Bankman-Fried will teach inmates about using standard-issue shampoo to its full potential – “Lather, rinse, and hope for the best,” he mutters, or create DIY hair masks from commissary items.
“A little toothpaste for that extra shine, trust me,”
he says with a wink.
SBF is a Youth Icon
The saga of Sam’s curls is a symbol of resilience. It is a testament to maintaining one’s dignity and identity, even in the most challenging circumstances. And it’s a story that transcends financial scandals and speaks to the heart of equality in haircare.
Because, in the end, it doesn’t matter if you are a CEO or a convicted CEO, you deserve a good hair day.
This tale reminds us that society can strip a person of many things. However, it cannot strip one of the right to a well-maintained head of hair. So, here’s to Sam Bankman-Fried, whose curls might have fallen from grace but refuse to be tamed, even behind bars.
Disclaimer: This piece is part of CoinChapter's satirical series called Faking Fridays. It is not intended to trivialize legal proceedings or the experiences of incarcerated individuals. Remember, haircare tips should be taken with a grain of salt, especially if they come from a cryptocurrency magnate turned convict.
